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Ask Unlcle Jim
Hey Uncle Jim, Coming out to my parents was a total waste of energy. I'm a sophomore in college, and came out to my parents as lesbian over the Christmas holidays. At that time I had been dating my now-former girlfriend for 4 months, and she came to Milwaukee to meet my parents and celebrate New Years. My parents loved her, and we shared a bedroom in their house for two nights, there was no issue. But when I was ready to leave for school, my mom sat me down and told me that they knew this was just a phase I'm going through, and that I'll come to my senses in due time. Well you know, it's not a phase. I like women, a whole bunch. I dated guys a little in high school, and even had sex with one. I puked my guts out afterwards. It was painful, scary, and just against my inner nature. No I don't hate men, but I never want to be intimate with one again. I've had five woman lovers since I was 17, and although only on developed into the kind of relationship I was celebrating at the beginning of this year, I know this is what I want. But when my parents say, "It's just a phase," I feel so humiliated. Worse than that, I've been home from school for almost two weeks now, and my dad has invited a guy from his office to dinner at our house twice. I know its because he wants me to like this man-boy, and he looks at me with big puppy-dog eyes, I'm sure my dad hasn't told him that I sleep with girls. But when I catch him staring at my breasts, I get that sick-to-stomach feeling I had after sex with a guy when I was 16. I'm working this summer at a day camp, and there are a couple of really hot women my age working there. But if I were to start dating one of them, and my parents said something to her about me being in a lesbian "phase," I think I'd take poison! How do I convince my parents that I am what I am?
Baby Dyke
Dear Baby Dyke: First and foremost, be grateful that your parents didn't freak when you told them you were a lesbian. Many young people are dis-owned, abused, or tossed into the streets when parents learn of their sexuality if it is other than hetero! Then do cut them a little slack. I bet you have gone through some "phases." Were you a vegetarian for a while? Ever color your hair pink or green? While I don't know you well enough to know what your phases were, I'm sure you had them; we all go through them. Maybe deep down, while enlightened enough to not put you down for being gay, your mom secretly wishes you weren't. So she's in denial. Dad found you a boy, probably one that reminds him of himself at your age, and figures that'll solve the problem. Sooner or later, they just have to figure out that it is NOT A PROBLEM, it's just you. There are some great coming out resources at the Human Rights Campaign website: www.hrc.org/comingout . Try to find them some reading material, lighter than books though, ok? Find pamphlets and articles that will help them to understand. Show them what your life is like. Talk to your mom about the young women who interest you at your job, and talk to her about the process of getting to know one and asking her to spend time with you. (When Uncle Jim was 19 or 20, we called it asking for a date, I'm not sure that's accurate in today's cultural norm.) Take your mom to lunch, and ask her what bothers her about your being lesbian? Does she want to be a grandmother? If you want to be a mother, and she wants to be a grandmother, such things are not impossible! Talk to her about your options (adoption, in vitro fertilization, finding a mate who already has kids, etc.) As for the guy your father is bringing home to dinner. Ask him whether he wants to tell the boy that you're a lesbian, or if he'd rather you did it. That will probably end that problem.
Dear Uncle Jim, I’m a single gay male in my early 40’s living in the same suburban community as my ex-lover of long standing and his current love interest. We haven’t been together for almost 5 years now, but we have a civil relationship. We don’t seek out each other socially, but we have both gay and straight friends in common, and have always been able to be in the same room together without it becoming an issue. I recently dated, for a few months, a wonderful young man who is fifteen years my junior. While I knew the age difference made a long-term relationship unlikely, we enjoyed each other’s company and treated each other with respect, and acted respectably in all situations public and private. At the end of our time together, my young friend moved to a distant city. Now my ex has confronted me, and quite aggressively. He says that by dating a young man who was obviously out for nothing more than my money (I’m far from rich) I cheapened the relationship that we once had shared, and made him to look foolish in the eyes of our mutual friends. He insists that at the very least, I owe him an apology, and one made in the presence of his current boyfriend. Am I nuts, or is he? I don’t see how ANYTHING I do 5 years after we broke up to be of his concern, and I don’t feel an obligation to explain my most recent relationship, albeit short-lived, to anyone. What do you say?
Getting on with My Life
Dear GOWML: You’re not nuts, he is. Don’t even try to figure this one out, just continue Getting on with your life.
Dear Uncle Jim, I’m a community college student who still lives at home with my mother and two sisters. I dated a couple of girls in high school, but I know now that I’m gay and I’ve come out to my family. I’ve only done stuff sexually with a couple of guys. In fact at this point in my life I have more sexual experience with females than with males. When I meet guys, on-line, or around in the real world, one of their first questions is whether I’m top or bottom. I usually smile and say something like “Only the guys I date find that out.” The truth is my fantasy runs more towards being bottom, but my experience is more as a top. I really feel as though somebody should be willing to spend time getting to know me, and we can work out what we do in bed, if we ever decide to take it that far. Do you think it is really important to know somebody’s preference for top or bottom before you ask him out?
On Top of the World
Dear Topper: I like how you are able to differentiate between on-line and the real world; not everyone can. For some guys, it’s all about sex. And if they are stuck in one role, they seek out somebody who can fulfill the opposite role. It sounds as though you may end up being more versatile and that is a good thing, I think. Don’t be in a hurry to define a role for yourself, and for that matter don’t be in a hurry to date men who seem to see sex and the reason for spending time with you. As for your previous experience being largely with the opposite sex, cherish this experience. It may well help you to be a better lover with the same sex.
Ask Uncle Jim is a syndicated advice column for LBGT adults and published on selected websites. You may pose your question to Ask Uncle Jim and if your letter is chosen, you may just see it in this space in the weeks to come. At this time it is not possible for Uncle Jim to answer individual letters, so look for your letter in this space. Ask Uncle Jim and this website make no representation as to the credentials of Uncle Jim and his advice should be seen as the word of experience, but not the recommendations of any form of licensed professional.
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, May 26 2008, 4:35 PM EDT
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